The Big Eh

Eh. Meh. So. I've been putting off writing this for a few days because I've been squirmy and a little testy. Why? I don't know. I think it's mostly self induced pressure to make this trip fantastic.

I mean, I'm having a good time? I don't know. Classes haven't started yet. I've made a good buddy. My dorm room is shaping up to be nice. (Oddest urge to be organized and decorative....WTF?)

I'm sad. I'm sad this is everything I expected and not yet all that I hoped. I am a realist of epic proportions, most of you know it's a trait I've cultivated and pride myself in. But still- mediocrity kinda sucks. I've gotten to see my friends which is AMAZING! But something is going on where I'm just not quiet enjoying myself as I should.



A mixture of fear? Anticipation? Self-evaluation and improvement that borders on obsessive compulsive? Too much thinking and pondering? Homesick? Missing friends? Confused about homebound issues? Yes, yes, and so on but still.

I'm a HUGE believer in the phrase "Smile like you mean it". It's one of the reasons I have the sense of humor I do and value humor so much. It's my way of getting through shitty times. Am I smiling? Am I having fun? Am I enjoying myself? Yes, of course. I wouldn't allow myself not to- this is too precious an opportunity!

It's probably loneliness. People here are fun but it took me 3+ years to form my Texas group of nakama/compadres/minions/cohorts. I hope I just manage to at least snag a couple of good buddies to share this experience with. That comes with time I know. Like I said I wanted to put this off a bit more til I shook off the humdrums but I figured if I waited too long I might never start.

Food is amazing. Dogs everywhere. Dorm kinda scary. Must decorate. 1 Western style toilet w00t! Moldy showers but with super hot water so it's ok. Long list of things to buy. Overpacked CIEE schedule. Class, FINALLY, tomorrow. I'm so shooting for the Beginner class. Animals everywhere yay. Planning trips to Hot Springs, Southern Islands, beach, city, etc. Lookin at CS events to join up with. Desperately trying not to indulge in SUPER SUPER cute clothing and shoes here.

Excerpts of Lewis Carrol poking fun at me:

MELANCHOLETTA

WITH saddest music all day long
She soothed her secret sorrow:
At night she sighed "I fear 'twas wrong
Such cheerful words to borrow.
Dearest, a sweeter, sadder song
I'll sing to thee to-morrow."

I thanked her, but I could not say
That I was glad to hear it:
I left the house at break of day,
And did not venture near it
Till time, I hoped, had worn away
Her grief, for nought could cheer it!
...
In vain we roared; in vain we tried
To rouse her into laughter:
Her pensive glances wandered wide
From orchestra to rafter -
"TIER UPON TIER!" she said, and sighed;
And silence followed after.

=p Oh yeah, I get it. =D